"why do girls think they need to be skinny? so they can xerox themselves?"


"the best comedian can make anything funny, but knows when not to"


" a true feminist must be bisexual, why? Feminist means you believe in equal rights for men and women, so then you must date and equal amount of men and women, no such thing as a heterosexual or homosexual feminist, they're called hypocrites"

"I complain about women alot, cause they listen to men to often. Specificly clothes, they wear too little, leaving nothing to the imagination. I find my self dressing them with my eyes"

" [pain gives an]....an what you ask? interesting you ask...because if you re arrange the letters in [pain gives an] you get [penis] and [vagina]"

"I'll tell you all for the last time, and if you don't know by now, well any way, stop telling people about the movie Jeffrey!"

"If you're against abortion, you shouldn't eat eggs"

"if abortion should be outlawed then men shouldn't masturbate and women shouldn't have their periods"

"lately I've been having trouble telling the difference between chocolate and cheese. Making my cakes pretty good, and my salads like a willy wonka treat"

"you show me a man that can show me a man, and you have him show yourself showing you to him, and I show you to people and we all show each other and such, and then I am showed by a man that shows men that can show me a man and we all get shown, then what the hell am I looking at?"

"people have a tendency to fall in love, lucky me I fell in anxiety"

"From Teddy Roosevelt to today, every president of the US has had involvement with the Boy Scouts of America. From honorary presidents to full fledged members. The Boy Scouts of America discriminate against Girls, Gays, Atheists, and those with Godless religions, what does this say about the presidency?"

"if you are ever feeling sad and alone and completely different from everyone, you know, like you are it, no one else is like you, you have no one and you want to die, remember, everybody poops"

"I never want to make a big deal about it, but I've thought about all of you naked"

"throw me the bunny"

"If life was meant to be simple we wouldn't have complex minds, if we weren't suppose to think for our selves we'd all get all along, if we were suppose to do anything then we'd all live alone, and if any one cared...hey transformers is on!"

"I guess we can all agree it was Will Smith's fault"

"remember jesus? he was around over 2000 years ago, well now he's dead, get over it"

"how the hell did pizza become so popular, I mean it's the flattest thing I've ever gotton into bed with"

"war is like a drug, it cost too much for the effect that never lasts"

"trust me, once you go Jeff, you'll never come back"

"I think we all prefer the real deal over something fake or phony, but many people also prefer bigger over small"

"in times like these(when we're out of food and money) I think we should resort to capitalism"

"the best way to get rid of gnome is flushing it down the toilet"

"if your for a war, go fight it yourself"

"I don't trust people who take candy from me"

"I'll stab ye with me ball!"

"I never met a god I didn't like"

"if you keep something to yourself for your whole life, what kind of life are you living?"

"there are people in the world that say 'The spider-man movie sucks' and I'll say, 'you suck' and they'll say 'no, you suck' and I will say 'see, spider-man is not the one that sucks' and then they'll get all mad cause they know that only one thing can suck at a time"

"God Believes in evolution"

"If the customer is always right, then I am always the customer"

"How can the crust of a pizza possibly be the best part and why? The rest of the pizza, means nothing? You wouldn't care what the topping is if the crust is the best part, because then nothing can compare to the crust. The cheese wouldn't matter or the sauce or anything, infact why would you even bother filling up on that other part? The crust is the best part my ass"

"I had what I thought was orange Mountain Dew, it turned out to be tide"

"Everytime I do Clue 2, I die a little inside"

"If you don't get it right the first time I bet that means you will on the last time"

"first and last words mean nothing. Who cares what you said when you were a worthless baby or right before you were dead. I want to know what you said on your first halloween. If it was trick or treat, well you get 2 points for effort"

"why be political when you didn't vote for your class president?"

"there's a reason you'll see hot waitresses, but no hot mail carriers"

"if you stare in a mirror long enough you'll see a third you"

"People say if you support Marine World you support poor treatment of animals. Well do you drive? You better recycle! are you vegan? use a ruler? kill a bug?"

"No I am sorry, I don't know what dog shit taste like, go get drunk on your own"

"every rose has its thorn, well every sunflower is round yellow and tall, what about that?"

"what do you mean my quotes make no sense? you have alot to learn butter child"

"Ok so maybe I was wrong about the black hole, but that doesn't mean I'll be wrong about the other black hole"

"I think it's time we try...super project ray to stop all those who are in my way! Punished will be those of the saga not in this of the beneath mine!"

"you know, that hot guy over there was checking you out, yea he's rich and has a viper, but you could go home with me to my parents place and we could cuddle together and watch cartoons while playing connect 4, or go with him and have the best sex ever.. your choice"

"why live a long life in fear, when you could live shorter, but happily? this message brought to you by the people of Burger King"

"people who have a quotes page on a website are obviously unpublished writers"

"I heard they were changing the dollar menu to the Jewish Menu"

"Tom Hanks has done pretty well for a guy that has AIDs"

"why can't we send all the ugly people to Australia or something?"

"when people look up earth in the Universal Encylopedia, they'll see A planet known for bad music and pizza"

"It's not red, it's pink with out the white, or orange without the asian"

"You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't try to go shopping on a sunday afternoon"

"I don't blame the jews for killing Jesus, I blame Jesus for not kicking some ass"

"it's hard to follow a Jesus joke, so I'll just say midgets look funny"

"When are doctors going to get that brain transplant thing down?"

"If I have a daughter I think I'll name her Upsilon, if I have a son I think I'll eat him"


"I never said that, you said it, and I was the one saying it back to you because you asked me what you had said about the the time we were talking about who had said what, and you said I had said it, so I said I had said it as a direct quote, but really you are the one that had really said it, but you said I so then I was repeating it to you, so that's why and who originally said it, geez, what don't you understand about that?"

"they should have cheerleaders for all you can eat buffets"

"I hate authors that don't want their books made into movies, it's not like thay want their book made into a burning pile of crap that incites race riots"

"who does your hair? cause they suck"

"can you try to keep it down, I hate the sound of your voice"

"People who say they hate the rich will never get anything out of them that way"

"I'd like to buy beef by the gallon"

"Who ever freed my genie was one selfish bastard"

"I don't like a girl who's boobs stare at their own belly button, that's rude, I like a girl whos boobs look into my eyes"

"no thanks, I am really good at pulling out"